Hello one and All…Today I give you an interview I have been trying to bring to you for quite sometime. Today I got a chance to sit down with Mr. Dave “Turbo” Ullman and get his side of things. This interview was inspired by Nelson. I hope you enjoy…

Dave please introduce yourself
hello, my name is dave ullman. i am a junior engineering major at tcnj. i enjoy cars and music and other things as well. my band is good and you should like us.

Dave you go by the nickname Turbo. How did this come to be and what are your thoughts on the name?
i believe it came to be at outback steakhouse in brick, nj. you, casey, craig and i were eating and laughing of times past when nicknames came up. your nickname is freakshow, craigs is skanko and papi, and casey’s is something. i wanted a nickname so since i have an unnatural affection for turbos it was decided that would be my nickname, even though its not that good and people make fun of me when i tell them. and then craig scratched it into the table with a giant outback steak knife. i like the name, but lets just say i only let you and craig call me turbo.

Would you ever get the word Turbo Tatooed anywhere on your body and if so where?
no, but probably on my balls, because then it would be a ball-bearing turbo. HAHAHA. sorry, turbo joke. but seriously, on my balls. yeah, the balls.

Turbo its my understanding that you enjoy metal. Why is this and do you love Metal Chicks?
hmmm… why is it i love metal. because it is evil and taboo and people hate it. because it involves stories like bands having a contest of who could be more evil and then burning down churches, eating suicide victims brains and shooting homosexuals at the winter olympics. i have to thank justin freund for introducing me to black metal about 4 years ago. emperor was the first band i ever heard, and my tastes evolved and now i like all things metal except for that crap that most people call “nu-metal”, or “bad” as i like to call it. do i love metal chicks… who doesn’t?

Dave define your definition of a “fuckin’ fun time”.
that would be giant, inflatable water slides in the middle of the bay for no apparent reason. why are they there? i’ll tell you why. fuckin fun times.

If you will tell me your fondest Sean Piotrowski memory.
hmm… i think my fondest memory is when we went to stewarts and drank the super cold root beer. it was the same night we saw dave attell at rider, also a good time. also when i punched you in the back when you were drunk and throwing grass at me. that was pretty funny.
I don’t think I’ve ever had root beer so cold in my entire life as that night Turbo.

If you could destroy anything what would it be?
thats a tough one. i would probly destroy all of the little skateboarders who are like 4 and professionals. because i failed at skateboarding and i’m still bitter that there are 12 year olds better than me. i might destroy organized religion, but i won’t get into that.

If Dimmu Borgir asked you to destroy God for them would you?
hahahaha, no. because you can’t destroy something that doesn’t exist. ooohhhhhh, come on who wants to fight me. now that this has turned into dave’s religious beliefs forum.

Dave describe your perfect girl.
likes good music, volkswagens, or atleast cars, maybe throw a little snowboarding or something in there, owns a couple volcom shirts. that about covers it.
Titties?
i’m more of a butt-man, but i’ll give it a thumbs up

Dave if you could be one thing what would it be?
a race car driver slash/metal guitar player. which is two things but i don’t care because if i could them at the same time it would even better. “ullman pulls onto the front straight and blasts out an amazing solo.” delicious.
A Super race car driver?
i said slash and typed a slash, haha. a super duper race car driver.

if you could have your pen sucked on by any 4 girls who would it be?
good wording. hillary duff (mmm… jailbait), jennifer esposito, britney spears (sorry sean), and any girl at the freehold mall. no jaime presley.

Dave Turbo Ullman I’d like to thank you for your time and enligtenment. Is there anything you’d like to say in closing to everyone?
i would just like to thank you for interviewing me, i hope i was amusing. i would also like to complement your website for the many hours of joy i get from reading about and commenting on your life. PEACE, LOVE, and CARGOES.

Thank you Turbo for your kind words and we look foward to hearing about your exploits soon. You can catch “The Turbo and Freakshow Show” Live September 27th in Fairfax, VA. Unfortunatly, there are only two tickets available to this show and they’re sold out…

In other news today I dropped a $2,000 Dell Computer from about 10 feet in the air onto asphault. It got all scuffed up and then I heard pieces rolling around inside. Ross and I hooked it up anyway and it worked fine. But yet again I’ve committed another O.I.T. first to go along with me blowing out a whole wing of power in Poyda and having to work on the computer from 1982. The job never ceases to amaze me in good and bad ways…

Well everyone thats all for today…

Till next time…”The way you like it I’ll get inside you…”

Here it is. Firehouse like you’ve never seen her before ALL RAW AND ALL NUDE! Wait wrong interview…Anyway here she is Stephanie Ullman!

Steph, Take a minute to introduce yourself.

my name is stephanie elise robert ullman, thought i am more commonly known by the name steph…which i must say i like better cuz my name is weird. but i digress, i was born in lakewood at kimball and have lived in various houses all over TR for my entire life aside from a short stint in holmdel for about 6 months where i repeatedly punched myself in the face and drove to toms river every day

Stephanie in high school the hatred that you and I had for one another ran deep. What was the turning point for you when you no longer called me enemy but friend?

i think it was getting to know you sean. you tend to have a very abrasive personality at times…and so do i - this was a deadly mixture until you and i got to know the kindness in one anothers hearts. i can vividly remember sitting at the lunch table sophomore year of high school with pete cappello, mike mignon, and greg coleman (odd combo)- making fun of you as you sat there. i apologize for this. once we graduated and moved on to college i think we both matured and we thrown into spending a lot of time together at rider and there, you and i were able to get past the obnoxiousness that we both possess at times and become good friends. this friendship has continued despite some incidents…such as the one where i made you cry for a comment you made to me. you and i have a love/hate relationship - sometimes we hate each other and sometimes we are the best of friends….i think we have become accustomed to this

You’ve had more cars then Craig since your younger years of 17. Of all of these which automobile was your favorite?

i have - and this is the plight of being an ullman…dave has had 3 identical gtis…but anyway - i think that the ti will always hold a special place in my heart since it was my first car. but my present black gti with red seats - is the car i have taken the most pride in since i think it is super sexy. also being that i spend a lot of time with tim, the great car conisseur…he kind of inspires me to notice things i never did before, such as the sound of the engine…which i have recently discovered the sexiness of…so i would say this one is my favorite.

Stephanie in high school you had a high profile relationship with a Mr. Chris Kordulak. You have since parted ways. My question is, if pitted in a wrestling match against the other high profile couples of our high school would you and Chris have won?

i think not. chris and i were friends that thought we were more - unlike other couples who were present at the time….i think they would have had an edge over us. despite my amazing wrestling skills.

thats what this question is about. Wrestling skills.

to me it would be more about working together - i dunno how chris’s wrestling skills are… me and chris had a fucked up relationship and honestly when i think about it its more like 3 years of a good friendship as opposed to anything more. i mean it def taught us both a lot about life. i dont know how we would have done against other couples…i can tell you about tims wrestling skills and him and i would kick everyones ass…and i bet you that chris and dara would kick ass as well, cuz you cant compare me and chris to the other people in high school, it was of a different breed. in our present relationships, however, i think we could kick ass

All I am asking you is would you have Kicked Bill Yannetti and Krisiti Fazio’s Ass or Nick Gargulo and Alyssa Raymondi’s ass in a wrestling match?

maybe nick and alyssa but bill yannetti is pretty stacked so i would say not them. although i prefer my philosophical answers that i provided you with earlier

Steph if you could have three wishes what would they be?

that is a very tough question….i would wish for eternal happiness and love for myself and everyone i care about
i would wish for the continuation of good music forever from the bands that i love so i never get pissed off at them
i would wish for the greatness of wendys and dunkin donuts to be combined into one location as has been done with pizza hut and kfc…so that i can get a nice lunch and snack all at once

Stephanie when you and I speak to one another on the phone or in person we talk like old british men. Any reason for this?

i think its because we enjoy being silly…and also because i do that all the time with various people. also - you and i tend to use a high level vocabulary. i dont really know why except its funny - so yeah

IF you and I produced offspring do you think they would abandon all forms of normal communication and only speak in this “high vocabulary british” style?

this is very possible

Brandon Hans, Prince of Darkness or Child of the night?

hmmm - child of the nighti would have to say - although i really have no idea

While you were Vice-President of the Senior class would you have impeached any of your fellow executive officers?

yes i would have to say i would have. there a was an obvious split in the unity that should have been the class officers - janice and i…and matt and jaime - junior year i think we all did a good job. senior year however, with the envokement of the celestine prophesy and other distractions…at times jaime and matt were not as involved as they should have been and a lot was left to janice and i - we were pissed off at times…it was annoying - though it all seemed to work out in the end and 3 years later all hard feelings are dissolved. janice and i spent many hours in mr maninos room planning events and one of the most exciting days was when we snuck into maninos back room and discovered his shrine to sarah michelle geller - right there in the middle of upper c wing

Who would you say are your biggest influences in your life?

my parents, fat mike for some of my favorite music, my boyfriend tim, my brother, craig savitsky and his hating of all people, sean and his wendys influence, my dear friends kate and kathleen, the makers of volcom, george washington, george washington carver, toni from love cruise/paradise hotel, don mattingly, john stamos, nigel withersmith, and mrs. t

If you could change one thing about you what would it be?

i dont think i would change anything - i am happy with myself as i am…maybe i would be a little more patient, other than that nope

Final question, Sean Piotrowski man or myth?

definately man - i dont think anyone would believe a myth that was told about you..

Stephanie I would like to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to answer these questions and I hope everyone enjoys getting to know you a bit better. Any final thoughts?

not really - but i thank you as well for taking time out of your busy schedule to ask me these insightful questions

I hope you guys enjoyed that. Cause if you didn’t I’m gonna kill you all. On a side note, the Stigmata have begun to appear on the palms of my hands. I have these red circles on the palms of my hands and they hurt like a bitch. Its just a matter of time before they start to bleed and people flock from Idaho to worship me…

I’m tired so thats it…

Till next time…”Bite it you scum…”

Hello one and hello all. I am back and as Promised I have the interview with Skanko finished…

Well its pretty much taken all week to get this interview finished but here it is. My interview with Craig Brian Savitsky. A person I have known since the 6th grade and has been a very good friend to me since day one. Ladies and gentleman I give you Skanko himself…

Craig, Take a minute to introduce yourself.

Well, my name is Craig Savitsky,better known as skank, skanko, or any variation of the word skank. I’ve lived in tr since i was born and ill probably die here… hopefully in a blaze of glory. I go to penn state where i am a business logistics major and should graduate in June. Dont mind my punction and spelling this keyboard sucks and ithink my brother jizzed on it.

Craig what is it that drives you to be the homicidal madman that you are?

good question, i dont really know… i guess the giant amount of fucking idiots that I am priviledged enough to notice on a daily basis… i mean real fucking morons that probably dont deserve to use oxygen,let alone exist. Also, I’ve worked with “John Q. Public” aka “John Q. ASSHOLE” at every single job i’ve ever had. Take yesterday for example, i talked to about 125 people on the phone in just a few hours Imagine the percentage of those people that are morons or idiots or just generally rude and inconsiderate…. now multiply what u thought by about 10 and thats the real number of those people… dealing with them for this long has probably made me hate them… also i drive in NJ and we all know the number of idiots on the road here…. but my main problem and why i hate people is that people just dont take two seconds to think before they act or say something and then freak out when the result is bad and blame it on everything but themselves…if everyone just took a step back and thought for a SECOND before they did things, the difference would be amazing

What is it that should be done to these Assholes?

i honestly dont know… some should just be banned from procreating… and others should be killed so that the non-assholes ofthe world can use their body parts for transplants and stuff, i think that would solve the lack of transplant donor problem

It is my understanding that this summer you have devoted a lot of your listening time in music to the genre of Metal. Can you explain this?

u have to get past the insane screaming and when u actually listen to the music part of it, its very intense and very energetic. i have never been one to listen to “chill” music, i need something with energy and excitement, rap, punk and metal have suited me best so far. i cant stand listening to whiny music or something that sounds the same over and over (coughDAVEMATHEWScough), its just not for me and dont even get me started on emo or these fake punk imposters that are out today i dont have the time or the finger strength to type about it.

If you were givin three wishes what would they be?

well i dont think id go for the ever popular WORLD PEACE cuz we all know that would last for a whole second. ok so here goes:

1.) the ability to travel, forwards and backwards, through time……i mean come on who doesnt have something they regret or who doesnt wanna see where they are 10yrs from now so if they dont like it they can change what they are doing now

2.) an everlasting supply of money, so that my father never had to work again, and i could do all the half-brained things ive been dreaming of doing, and also so i could take care of the people i care about and love

3) teriffic health and well being for everyone i know and love so that we could enjoy our lives to the fullest and be in peak physical condition, all the money and possesions in the world are worth nothing if you dont have loved ones to share them with. also its easier than going to the gym.

wow. #3 was a pretty generic answer but oh well

Craig you’ve been with many women in your life. Ariel Port, Charlee Newman, Becky Buist, Stephanie Whittam, Amanda Parisi, and Lindsay Cerminara. What would say is the secret to a successful relationship?

ha. u had to mention my past gf’s didnt you. i was going to say i dont know but now i do. i dont do things half-assed, i either do them how i think they should be done, or i dont bother to do them at all, doing something half-assed is a waste of EVERYONE’s time. That being said, i only get myself into a relationship if i really think that its worth it and if i do, then im willing to put my all into the relationship and do everything in my power to make it work. it also has alot to do with the person ur in a relationship with. if you love them , its easy to make it work and make sacrifices, because those sacrificies are nothing compared to being with someone that your in love with and making them happy. my golden rule basically is this: before you do something, imagine the reverse (aka someone doing it to you), if it annoys, upsets, angers, etc.. you or if you KNOW that it would not be recieved well by that person, then dont do it. ‘i didnt think about it ‘ or ‘it just happened’ are two of the most lame excuses in the world. basically, it all comes down to RESPECT. (im very big on respect, mafia style i guess) act towards someone the way u want people to treat u, and ur in goodshape.

Do you have any regrets about any of your past relationships?

eh, whatever, you live you learn. i try to do thingsto the best of my ability so i guess not

If you could be anyone other then yourself who would you be?

maybe snoop dogg, or sam jackson, maybe bam, or someone. just someone who’s interesting and not the same old thing.

Final Question. Sean Piotrowski, Man or Myth?

A Man who proports himself to be a myth, because its the american dream to be larger than life and lady death strike piotrowski wants to eat american pie, smoke cigars, drink beers, bang blondes and live to be the human embodiment of the american dream

Craig it has been a pleasure interviewing you and I thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to sit down with us. Any last words before we go?

anytime sean. umm parting words? it should probably be something profound. i got it…FUCK YOU

Well folks I’m off to begin my weekend. You will hear from me again soon. Remember to keep checking back for my upcoming projects that I’m doing for you guys…

Till next time…”Inhale Inhale You’re the Victim EXHALE EXHALE EXHALE”

Last night I broke ground by interviewing myself in a no holds barred interview. All of your comments about last night have been great and I can’t help but feel like you guys are a great group of fans. So without further a do I present the conclusion to the interview…

If you could live in any period of time when would it be?
Thats a question that I have often pondered many times. I have two answers to that question: 1. Revolutionary War period or 2. Now. I say Revolution because that is my favorite period in history. So much going on, so much excitement, and so much intellegence. Think about it America was born and these guys got together and wrote a frame work for a government which is able to still function today along those same guide lines. That to me is absolutely amazing. I wish I could have been around Ben Franklin, George Washington, and the others and spoken with them. To me it would be an extremely facinating event. I also say now because now is the time to be. I mean face it what don’t we have now? I mean we have so much and more. I don’t think I really have to elaborate on this topic so much as I think people would agree with me on this.

What was the one thing that has made you more angry then anything in your entire life?
I don’t think I could give you a specific moment in time on that. I mean I get pretty angry or pissed off on a daily basis so keeping track is pretty hard. But I will say that the most recent bout with extreme anger probabily came when my Professor this last semester tried to pull some bullshit on me by saying he didn’t see my hand and skipped over my group. I’m sure you all remember that but I think I haven’t been that heated about anything in a really long time. So yea that.

Have you ever been in love?
Good question yet again. If you would have asked me while I was still in high school if I ever had been in love I would have said yes. But now I can say no. You see in high school I was very young and foolish when it came to females. I learned a lot back then but I did go through some rough crap. I used to say that Liz Zurich was the first girl I was ever in love with. But now I’ll tell you that that is bullshit. It wasn’t love. It was a lie. The whole “relationship” was bullshit. As a friend or anything more she was the worst. I allowed myself to be led on by her for too long and I can honestly say I have never made a mistake like that ever again in my life. Of course there have been other high school bull shit girls which I don’t feel like boring you with but still now I can honestly say I’ve never loved another human being.

Have you ever dealt with some crazy people in your life?
HA funny you should ask that. A lot of people will say that I myself am pretty crazy. I won’t deny that I’m a little nuts at times but aren’t we all? But seriously the craziest person I ever met was this girl I met in the summer of 2000. Over the summer of 2000 I met this girl and we spoke on the phone a couple times and hung out and stuff. Nothing major. As the summer progressed we found that we had feelings for one another. So as that grew and developed we got closer. Then came August and it was time for her to go on a trip to Rome with her Church group. So she was gone for two weeks and then she came back. She called me up when she got back and was like “Yea I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” So I’m like OK. Fine. I wasn’t that crazy about her anyway. I did however find it a little odd that she would immediately come back from Rome and call it all off. Anyway…Weeks go by we talk online once and a while and then I go to college. So its my first week in the dorm and she ims me and she says to me, “You know I’m afraid of you.” and I’m like why? Shes like, “I think you’re going to murder me.” Turns out the girl was dead serious about me coming to murder her. She was fearing for her life. I was completely perplexed by all of this. I had no idea what to do. She kept talking to me and scaring the fuck out of me so I just blocked her. About 3 months later she IMs me under a different screen name and asks if we can talk so I’m like ok. So she calls me and proceeds to tell me the following things: 1. That the reason she dumped me when she got back from Rome was because she had her first lesbian experience while in Rome ON HER CHURCH TRIP! So she hadn’t been seeing men anymore she was seeing women. So ok she went gay on me. 2. The reason she thought I was going to murder her was because apparently she was a Schizophrenic and I really mean a Schizophrenic. So she was on this medication to keep her under control and apparently while in Rome she stopped taking it and didn’t tell anyone when she got home. So basically the night she told me that she thought I was going to murder her she ended up bugging out and had to be takin to the hospitol. She was bugging out so hardcore that they had to restrain her to the beds and stuff. And that is the craziest person I’ve ever met in my entire life.

You said earlier that you are fond of telling stories, what is your favorite story to tell?
Without a doubt it would have the be the Leeds Gin Dance Dance Revolution Story. For those of you not familiar with the story here it is. One night at my house when my parents were away *EDIT* brings over these two girls and we do some drinking. We had been drinking some Smirnoff Ice (which I hate) and then we hit the 1983 bottle of Leeds Gin and start mixing shit. One of the girls leaves so its me, *EDIT*, and this other girl. So we’re like DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION DRUNK! So we go down and we start playing. Then one of us gets the brilliant idea of playing strip DDR. So we start doin that sure enough I’m out first and I got upstairs to sleep. Next morning I hear *EDIT* and the girl leave my house and I get up because I had work at Funcoland. I go downstairs and I notice these red dots going up my stairs. I lick my finger and rub it in the spots and notice that it comes right out. So I go up the stairs with a wet paper towel and get all of these crazy spots off of my burber rug. Then I start to tidy up the basement and I come across *EDIT*’s t-shirt. Ok I think to myself next to it I find…a thong. It just so happens to have the same red spot on it that was all over my carpet. I don’t even want to know so I just clean everything up and all is well. So a few days go by and my parents come home and I get a call from them and they go, “Did you throw up in the bathroom?” I say, “No” Turns out the freaking girl threw up ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL over my downstairs bathroom and didn’t clean it up or tell anyone. From what I’m told it looked as bad as Lansing’s girlfriends vomit down at JMU. Don’t worry about how I took care of that with the parents but all was well. About 3 months afterwards I get an IM from a strange screen name. Turns out its the girl who threw up all over my bathroom. After conversing with her she told me that she lost her virginity that faithful night and so that those spots up the stairs was the remains of her…Yea thats right you know what it is. Thats my favorite story to tell just because of how bizzare it is and I don’t think I haven’t had a group of people laughing so hard as when I tell it.

Is it true you didn’t used to drink beer?
Yes believe it or not there was a time when I did not drink alcohol. Back in high school I had my reasons for not drinking but in college I forgot about them but it wasn’t easy. It was second semester freshmen year and 1985 said to me “Hey lets drink” and I’m like “No”. He said whats it gonna take for you to drink? So me being the genius that I am thinking it would never happen says this, “If I’m gonna drink I want us to drink Guinness while wearing scarfs and caps, while we dine on steaks, listen to irish drinking music, all while sitting on an Irish flag.” Sure enough that bastard pulled through on all of it. So me, Firehouse, and 1985 drank. I got drunk and so did they. We have the entire night on tape. I plan on drinking with my kids in the same fashion when they are ready and showing them all of the video tapes of me drunk at Rider. Hopefully by learning from my example they will not make the same mistakes I did, most noteably the big PINK mistake…

What does the future hold for Sean Piotrowski?
The future looks bright for Sean Piotrowski. I hope to one day rule the world and produce an army of offspring to carry on my legacy. I will institute a Piotrowski family tradition that will begin with my children that the first born son be named after me, Sean Robert Piotrowski. That way one day there will be a Sean Robert Piotrowski the 13th. I always wanted a number after my name but alas there was no Sean Robert Piotrowskis before me. Frank has a number at the end of his name and I envy him for that. BLAST YOU CONGILOSE! ::SHAKES FIST:: But I hope to have a house and shit soon. I want to be a bachelor in a house. I think that would be pretty bad ass so also when I meet chicks I can be like, “PSHT I allready gots a house bitch we don’t have to buy one.” I think a girl would find it to be pretty sexy if a guy had a house allready and it was decorated pretty manly but in a sexy manly way not like in a pussy Martha Stewart kind of way with pastels and shit. Thats straight up gay. I’m talking hard wood floors and leather, lots of marble, roaring fire place, and a bear skin rug. You know what I’m talking about. Also I will be rich. Because I will create my own networking consulting company or something and everyone knows consultants make coke dealer money. I’ll be the Tony Montana of the IT world. Driving around in my G35 or Hummer H1 while wearing cream colored suits just like the Columbian Drug Lord in Clear and Present Danger. I will also have a butler. He will be with me in my single years in the house and through the future. But the butler is clutch because I’ll need someone to cook and clean for me being that I won’t have a wife. (HAHAHA) Plus I’ll have someone to talk to and he’ll be British so it’ll be even cooler. I think he should also have a drinking problem. I think that would give him more character and create more fun times. But once his work is effected by the drinking it’d have to stop. My uncle went on a business trip to Britian and had to stay at this Lord’s house and he had his own butler and his name was Martin. The stories my uncle told me about his butler made me want one so bad. So without a doubt I’ll have a butler. So to recap: house when I’m single, butler, kids named Sean Robert Piotrowski with numbers after then for all of eternity, Tony Montana of IT, and hopefully a wife who will tolerate me and complete me.

You mention a wife. What to you is your ideal wife?
I’ll need a classy woman with large breasts and long hair. She will have to have an amazing personality and intellegence. She doesn’t have to be hot (Allthough if a hot woman falls in love with me I don’t think I’d have any choice but to fall in love with her also). Just cute. She will have to be able to make me laugh on her own. She will also have to own a school girl outfit, a black bra, and a long black dress. Thats all I can tell you now. The rest would be up to gut feelings and her blow job skills.

Any final words?
I’d like to thank you Sean for giving me a fabulous interview. I’d like to thank everyone for their support and well wishes. I only hope you tell others about me and let them know how much of a pleasure it is to visit www.SeanPiotrowski.net and how much of a pleasure it is for me to entertain all of you. I hope you enjoyed this as much as I have and I hope to keep seeing you return.

There you have it folks. The end of my two part interview with myself. If there was a question you would like to ask for a future edition please leave comments on the site. Tommrow I return with a hot and amazing post that will utterly blow you away involving one of my beloved friends.

Till next time…”I’ve been watching you, you can feel it too…”